Don’t read this if you’re just going to whine about how drugs are bad

Like plenty of people at UWE, I’m a stoner (sorry mum). Attracted here by the low entry grades, and city awash with chemical delights, we like nothing more than treating ourselves to a cheeky spliff.

Doing so comes at a cost though, because you become a totally lazy fucker. Okay, so a weed habit isn’t as bad as that three month MDMA binge your housemate went on in freshers which ended with him crying on his own to Only Fools and Horses, but it still has its downsides.

As proof of how lazy we are, I’ll admit this: I was meant to write this article two weeks ago.

There is a way to avoid being so unproductive though. The most obvious advice would be “don’t smoke weed”, but that’s not any fun. So, here’s how to still get high and remain productive:

Make a list

When sitting down to do work, write yourself a list of what you need to do BEFORE YOU START SMOKING, then stick this list in front of you.

This means you have a constant reminder of what you need to do and also the guiding hand of sober you (the judgemental bastard) to help you do it.

Makin' a list, checkin' it twice

Makin’ a list, checkin’ it twice

Go off the grid

If you don’t need it, turn off the internet. This is a fairly good life rule to be honest but it applies particularly if you’re a stoner.

If you don’t you’ll be sucked into the YouTube black hole before you know it.

Use spliffs in a treat system

You’ve worked hard for a bit, so why not treat yourself with something nice, like reading a bit of your favourite novel?

It’s a nice idea but I’m an English student so the last thing I want to do is more reading. Instead, I give the “212 revision method” a hedonistic twist.

Do two hours of revision, then treat yourself to a joint then do two more hours. You’ll trick yourself into a strong work ethic so easily you may as well be Pavlov’s dog.

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Get some exercise

Exercise is important guys. You might be an addict but you need to make sure you stay as healthy as possible.

The only problem with this is that smoking and exercise aren’t particularly compatible. Thankfully, modern technology is your friend: all you need is a vaporiser.

Thanks to the lack of smoke, vaping won’t affect your ability to run up hills and other exercise-y stuff.

Another bonus is that decent ones won’t smell as much so you can get away with using it in weed-free places: club toilets, the back of cinema screens, your nan’s house etc.

Fuck off Nan

Fuck off Nan

Of course, it’s not always a good idea to smoke. Never, ever, make these mistakes:

Smoking while you exercise

There is nothing worse than exercising high. I was forever put off Jiu Jitsu when before my second ever lesson my housemate persuaded me it would be fine to smoke a joint. After a quick nap I headed down to the class. The sight of twenty pretty hard blokes throwing each other around to pretty intense hip-hop almost made me turn away at the door.

After being ushered in by a friend, I experienced the most harrowing hour of my life, most of it spent being dazedly manhandled by alpha males.

Get high before a date

You’ll become a paranoid mess and spend the whole thing wondering whether your date is looking at you with genuine affection or deep-seated contempt.

Your date, on the other hand will have to suffer your boring and stilted conversation, as well as your incredibly in-depth theory on why people decided it was a good idea to eat oysters.

  • Lucy

    There is a guy in the background with a high vis though….

  • Gina

    Massive over reaction! Kate obviously doesn’t have many friends

  • Bob

    This is feminism too far – people looking too much into stuff.

  • Dave

    Well put article.

    The intention was explained to me as the party being so amazing that some people will lose their friends in the crowds/fun. Why the targeted ‘SomeONE’ rather than ‘Some people’ on the poster? It could’ve made sense if there was a corresponding image of people not losing their friends and having fun next to it (The party’s so amazing that some people will lose their friends and others will have a great night), but as a stand-alone poster it has all the connotations of the above article, whilst also being a shit poster for a party.

    Comments on this article so far: ‘Feminism too far’, ‘over reaction’ + insult. Great new arguments against any discussion of rape connotations/culture there…

  • Jem Collins

    Can I ask how exactly this is an exclusive, when the Medwire did this a whole month ago?

    http://www.themedwire.co.uk/2014/03/31/we-were-not-asking-to-burn-the-mona-lisa/

  • Kieran

    Exclusive? The Medwire covered this story and ran an interview with the girl MONTHS ago. Another fantastic ‘breaking’ story there guys, well done!

  • Lorna Cowley

    As an art (illustration) student, weed HELPS my productivity for certain things, like when I just need to generate visual ideas or when I have to draw the same thing time and time again.

  • lizard man 3000

    you are all peasant scum

  • lizard man 3000

    FUCKING PEASANTS

  • trippynigguh

    The joint in your picture is pathetic. Just saying.

    • ggg

      who cares if it smokes

  • Me

    Drugs are bad.

  • JamesDowns94

    Your joints are shite