Oh great, Kings of Leon are playing…

You have to join in with loads of weird festival fashion trends or risk looking like a weirdo

You look ridiculous

You look ridiculous

Take a look round a festival and notice how everyone’s in their short shorts, hunter wellies and see-through raincoats once it starts raining. Oh, and don’t forget the choker and pot of multi-coloured glitter smeared all over their faces.

Try to go to a festival without adopting the uniform of the “festival girl” and everyone will assume this is your first time and treat you like a child all weekend. Try to join in though and you look like as much of a twat as them. You can’t win.

They’re full of mobile phone addicts


Stop posing for pics, this isn’t a catwalk 

What other explanation is there for the fact people will queue for as long as an hour for the ability to charge their phone? Like a druggie in need of one last hit before they quit, these people wait for half an hour’s access to electricity so they can get up to 30 per cent battery and send one last generic Snapchat of them wearing a crown made of flowers.

Heads up: if you didn’t spend the whole weekend tweeting and updating your Facebook status, letting the world know you’re “Havin’ a fab time @Creamfields”, maybe your phone wouldn’t have died after the first day.

You won’t like most of the music, and the music you do like will be ruined by twats

Alan and Steve.

Alan and Steve.

Surely, the main reason to go to any festival instead of a sunny beach holiday is because you’re interested in music. For a few quid a month, students can listen to whatever they want (apart from T Swift) on Spotify Premium, but at festivals you have to pay a few hundred quid to queue for hours to see someone you like followed by a string of wannabes and failed “next big things” that you can’t fast-forward through.

Even when you are watching a band you love, it doesn’t take long for the people near you to start ruining it. You know the annoying feeling when you’re listening to your favourite song and somebody keeps trying to talk to you? They’re the same irritating guys that are constantly shouting “Alan!” or “Steve!” in your left ear in the middle of your favourite song. How does anyone still think that’s funny?

Everyone smells disgusting

Maybe a few rats will come and join your party too.

Maybe a few rats will come and join your party too

As if it’s not bad enough to be barged left, right and centre by those tools trying to shuffle and “doing it for the Vine”, you also end up stuck next to a lad who sweats buckets and loves waving his arms right up in the air for everybody to share the smell of his dripping armpits. How can people go this long without washing?

On a related note, ensure you plaster the toilet seat with masses of tissue if you can find any to make sure you don’t catch something.

Everyone’s too focused on getting high

They've run out of pills already

They’ve run out of pills already

It’s nearly midnight, you’re dancing away but the vibes get ruined when some random sweaty guy keeps invading your personal space and pestering you to buy some ket from him.

Yeah, you could relent and snort the god-knows-what baggie he hands over, but look around. Look at the guy next to you with the gurn so big his jaw may as well be on the floor? Now look at the people taking videos of him they’ll later upload to social media with the title “what a gurn! lol!” Why would you want to be part of this world? That’s without even considering the comedowns so rough you’d rather be cheese grating your own nipples.

You’re never able to get any sleep


You will feel this shit EVERY morning you’re there 

Be prepared to wake up every morning in a cesspit of germs and B.O., slowly being cooked by the sun as it heats the outside of your tent. You’ll share your bed with a cheeky spider or woodlouse (no matter how hard you try to zip your tent tightly shut) and that’s forgetting the rock that manages to dig into your back all night. Sounds like fun eh?

Fingers crossed you’ve spent a fair share on a tent that won’t leak all over you, because let’s face it there’s more chance of rain in summer than getting any sleep while the loud guys outside your tent carry on partying until the mandy wears off.

Your friends will find all your festival stories boring once you get home

Keep your festival stories to your festival friends

Keep your festival stories to your festival friends

Don’t be “that guy” and bore your friends to death with festival stories you’ve told everyone a million times already. These stories always end with the teller covering how shit the story was by telling people: “You had to be there” or “It was a be-there moment”. If that’s really the case, do everyone a favour and keep your mouth shut.

You could buy so many other things instead

Doesn't this look better?

Doesn’t this look better?

You’ll pay ridiculous amounts of money for the ticket alone, and then once you’re there the watered-down alcohol and cheap hot dogs are extortionately priced too. Add up how much the whole weekend costs and you could have gone for a week’s holiday with your friends somewhere nice, rather than a muddy field in the countryside.


  • Paulo

    my god you sound so fucking boring

  • Shannon Jasmine

    i bet you’re fun at parties dear.

  • festival lover

    Sorry, I read the first two paragraphs and got really bored of you.. Here’s my response anyway. How about…. you go to a festival and not worry about what your wearing, forget about your phone or any electronic device or – for that matter – any material possession (apart from the copious amounts of drugs in your pocket and maybe your tent) and spend a week end heavily intoxicated, mindlessly wondering around a crazy new world where everyone is up for having fun and meeting new people and jamming to good music and getting involved in all sorts of new experiences… (God, i just glanced up and saw the last paragraph, you drink the watered down alcohol at festivals hahahaha you loser! that’s where the copious amounts of drugs in your pocket come in handy btw!)

  • Johnny Fezzy Head

    Festivals are amazing places to let go and do whatever you want with people who wouldn’t normally be unified. You obviously haven’t been to a festival with a good group of open minded, happy people..

  • Festival Veteran

    I bet you’re a barrel of laughs to be around.

    • http://www.torindul.co.uk/ George Botley

      Actually, she’s the funniest person I know. This article is a laugh!! It’s the tab not the telegraph ffs!

  • FestivalsForever.

    This girl should be banned from ever listening to any music ever again.

  • festivals are intents

    the beauty of festivals is that you can do whatever you want without the pressure of being judged by some pretentious arsehole who thinks they’re the coolest thing since mr freeze. I apologise that everyone’s idea of fun isn’t sitting on the same sun lounger for 8 hours in order to return home to show off how brown you are

  • Festivalsagainstnarcissism

    We unfortunately wouldn’t be friends.

    • Megan

      Aww shame

  • Thomas Bradshaw

    The comment about listening to Spotify instead is so stupid, if this is a serious “article” yoy must be the most boring person in the world.

  • Richie Howard

    Didn’t enjoy v fest then?

  • Sam

    Someone clearly thinks she works for vice! look at me I’m so fucking different, I don’t like festivals. Fuck off you boring bitch.

  • festival king

    How much time did you waste on writing this crap?

  • Nicky

    What a boring cunt.

  • fuckthisboringbitch

    You’re such a rubbish person

  • gwrkfhbewu

    This cunt has never been to a festival, if you get pissed of by these things then just go kill ur self

  • Silly boy 3000

    This person needs to chill the fuck out and take some k

    • Megan

      I refuse to take any advice from a guy whose user name is “silly boy 3000″. Cheers though!

  • mytoo

    I liked the article! Thought it was hilarious. Good writing. You might be getting a lot of hate but that shows that it is good. Kanye West gets a lot of hate but he’s famous. Keep going.

    • Megan

      Haha. :) thank you x

  • Festivals make you smell

    Strong Article. Good points. Enjoyed the satire

    • Megan

      Thank you! :) x

  • Sian

    This article couldn’t be further from the truth! I’ve been to several festivals and not me or any of my friends have had ‘Alan’ or ‘Steve’ shouted in our ears when listening to music? People have bought the tickets to watch their favourite bands and have a good time! This article has been obviously written with no thought to actual facts. Also most of these photos were taken in 2012 when snapchat and instagram had just been and weren’t barely heard of…

  • Someone’s

    pissed they missed Glasto tickets.

  • Nomad

    Calm down dicks, these are all things we will have said and thought about our festival experience at one time or another. If you can’t appreciate an article with a little tongue and cheek humour then I would suggest that in fact you are the boring and highly-strung cunt.